7-11-20

This is my first journal. I feel like journal is a neutral term for diary made for and by grown ups.

I like this.

I tried having a diary when I was younger but my abuser got into it. He then read my thoughts out loud to me and ridiculed me for it. I think now that it is what eventually led me to never speak up about my emotions or to anyone. It happened so long ago and I'm struggling to this day about everything. 

I'm now thinking about how fucked up that left me as a child. I was still single digits when it all happened, despite all the good things that happened to me. The thing I remember so vividly is being forced to suck him off, make him happy, fuck him, and being used as well. And now that I'm remembering one of my first "diary" entries was about me hating the size of my penis because his was larger than mine. Instead of being mad and writing for a way out, I was concerned with myself sexually, as a 7 year old. 

All I could think about growing up then was contemplating if I was supposed to be a female. My whole family said I had the curves of a woman and later I grew to use nail polish, lip stick, mascara, thongs, and sometimes put tampons in my, all in private. If I heard footsteps then I would act how I "should've".

I don't know if I would be like this without having the trauma I experienced. Would I have grown up to be bi? Gay? Pan? Trans even? I ask myself these questions on a daily basis more and more now that more people and experiences have me revisiting my past and causing self reflections. But how can I be anything other than straight when any acts involving a penis brings up my trauma. It even affects my sex life with women as is. Could this be why I'm never happy? because I'm not my true self since it was robbed from me? It makes sense, but maybe because its what I'm focused on in the moment. 

Time will tell. I just know bi-women are much better than str8 girls.